The Cabbage Patch

Restless

For days now, I've been restless.  Feeling unsettled.  Worried almost.  I have barely been able to sit down and sew or knit.  My studio is once again a mess as I've flitted from one project to the next and not finishing hardly any of them.  

For weeks and months now, I've been reading about all the wonderful babies.  Babies who have come and babies who are coming.  Babies to moms who have struggled with wanting more but not yet having more.  

Please all my wonderful friends who are pregnant or have just had babies:  I am VERY HAPPY for you.  This is all about my feelings about myself.  I have loved seeing the new little ones popping up here and there in photos on the blogosphere.  I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of some more babies.  

However, I'm feeling somewhat lost.  Feeling a physical longing for another little one.  My heart just aches for another one.  I thought I had passed this stage.  

But, just now, I've had an epiphany.  It'll be three years tomorrow.  Three years since I lost my last baby.  It still hurts.  

No Autism Post Today

Or tomorrow.  I've been working all day putting together bookcases and helping my brother with the entertainment center.  I finished the 5th of 6 bookcases at 8:45 this evening.  Then, I had to fold laundry, clean kitchen and do dishes including sweep the floors.  The DVDs needed to be put away.  Now, I'm going to check on the children to see if they are asleep so the Easter baskets can be filled.  No one here to pick up my slack.  My whole body is aching and my shoulders are screaming.  Sigh.  

But, tomorrow is Easter.  Christ is risen!  

Happy Easter!

Not a Good Day

Part of it is my fault.  I lingered too long in the warm comfy bed.  Then we had rush out of the house.  My children don't do rushed very well.

Well, actually, I think it's all my fault.  My children are acting like children.  Bickering.  Over every little thing.  It's been this way since Ben left.  I've let it bother me quite a bit today.  

Ballet was a chore for me.  The children were not in the best of moods.  But, I'm sitting here wondering if it isn't because of me.  Maybe I need to set the tone so they'd feel better.  Maybe I need to let the littlest one sit in my lap no matter how uncomfortable she makes it.  Maybe then she'd feel better.  You know, fill her love tank.  

One of the biggest things I ever learned from Father Corapi is that love is sacrifice.  It sure is hard, this constant dying to self...

2010

2010 is here already.  Where did 2009 go?  Not that I'm not glad to see it go, but still didn't we just celebrate the beginning of 2009?  It did start so hopefully.

I've been really soul searching and trying to come up with things to help me fix the things I'm not happy with.  Father Richard on Friday said, "If you don't have any resolutions, you are spiritually dead.  You should always WANT to improve as a person."  I agree.  So, here's what I'm working on.

Each year I pick a word to help me focus on improving one thing in my life.  This year, after a long time spent contemplating, I came up with order or rather, I snitched it.  I need order my life, my schedule, my daily tasks, my prayer life, my spiritual life, my children's homeschool.  I could go on and on.  You get the picture.

One thing I'm working on besides order is tone of voice.  My children have been sniping at each other quite a bit.  I snapped scolded them and then realized that I'm modeling the exact behavior that I abhor in them.  So, I'm working on not using such an ugly tone of voice.  I'm going to work on not yelling.  This is going to be a tall order since I'm essentially a single parent for the next year.  Please pray for me on this one.  It's something I know I've been needing to work on.

I need to work out some more details but I'll try to post some ideas and plans that I have.

How You Know...

...it has not been one of your better mothering days:

In quick succession, your children say after you've herded them into the car (finally!) "Are you tired?" and "I bet your throat is dry after all that yelling."

Thermostat

I need to have that word tattooed to inside of my eyelids.

Sigh.

I finally dismantled the crib.

I need chocolate.

And a tissue.

A Journey

A wise friend told me I should savor the journey whether it lasts eight minutes or 80 years.  So, I'm savoring this journey I'm embarking on with my family.  I don't know how long it will last.  I'm praying for a good long time.  No matter how long it is, I want to rejoice in the feelings I had seeing those two pink lines.  And, what better way than to share with you the good news. 

Thermometer

Today, I was a thermometer instead of a thermostat.  I need to apologize to my kiddoes tomorrow.  Sigh.

Welcome Home, Pat!

My friend had been waiting for the return of her son, Pat, from Iraq.  Well, I've received word that he's finally home!  Please rejoice with us.

Thank you, God, for bringing Pat safely home to his loved ones.  I know his Mama is very relieved to hold him in her arms.