The Cabbage Patch

KC turns 50

In the whirlwind of events that surrounded my cancer diagnosis, I didn't know how long I would live.  Things were very uncertain.  If anyone has ever googled the prognosis of stage IV metastatic breast cancer, you would know it's not fantastic.  I choose very deliberately not to dwell on it.  Occasionally, I do reflect on what it all means.  This is one of those moments.

Tomorrow, I turn 50.  I am privileged to celebrate my 50th birthday.  Perspective is everything, isn't it?  I would never have had this mindset BC (Before Cancer).  I probably would've been lamenting this getting old business.  Facing one's mortality allows me to dwell on how mindfully I want to live my life.  I choose to live as fully as I can.  I do things I would normally not have done BC.  I said yes to an Italy competition for my daughters.  I said yes to France with Ben.  I said yes to spending so many moments with my children.  I have a trip to take eventually with my son to Europe.  

Living with cancer comes with its challenges as well.  I often wonder if I will be there for my children's weddings.  Oh, I so want to be.  I want to meet my grandchildren.  I don't know how long I have here.  I know that no one does.  I do know that my family is pretty long lived and I would most likely have lived to my 70s.  I'm pretty healthy despite my cancer although the treatments can wear me down.  I have a knot the size of Texas on my hips from the shots I receive monthly.  Despite all of that I am blessed.  I am loved.  

God willing I will see many more birthdays.  

 

Thankful

I haven't been keeping up any gratitude exercises so I thought I would list them here for each day of November.  I am thankful for (in no particular order)

1. my parents
2. my husband
3. my children
4. my faith
5. my siblings
6. my friends
7. my co-youth group leader
8. my infusion nurses
9. my pharmacist
10. my doctors
11. my health
12. my ability to get up every day 
13. my ability to exercise even through the fatigue
14. my cancer because it caused me to stop and look deeply and completely at my life and to enjoy it fully
15. ballet for all the good 
16. ballet for all the bad because it taught us a LOT
17. Facebook and Instagram because it keeps me connected to my greater community
18. prayer because it keeps me grounded
19. the youth in the youth group
20. Confirmandi because I'm blessed to be able to witness their growing knowledge and love of their faith
21. the clergy at our church
22. Patriots 
23. my in-laws for loving me all these years
24. cutting edge cancer research which has kept alive for this long
25. my sewing skills so I can make my last tutus for my beautiful dancing daughters
26. my friend, Sue, who is taking me to NYC to watch her daughter perform in an off broadway show
27. Army for bringing so many wonderful people in my life even if it takes them away again
28. perspective and the ability now to let people go

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Throwback to Chopiniana, spring 2017.

Regrets

There are times I wonder what I should have done differently.  I often think maybe I shouldn't have cared so much about the type of training my girls received.  I feel regret for having met certain people.  The damage these people have done to my family is huge.  The mental recovery from it will take years.  However, I can't lament too much because through these people other people came into our lives.  One teacher who moved away to Washington DC.  And then mainly, the girls' ballet coach who took them to Philadelphia, Tulsa for YAGP and Italy.  She and her children have played such a positive role in our lives.  So, do I choose to feel the regret or the joy and happiness?  Mostly, I feel the joy.  Occasionally, the regret rears its ugly head.  

These were the things I was thinking about driving home from Kansas last Sunday.  Also, thinking about other people who have come back into our lives.  I speak to the mom occasionally but this year they were able to start helping with Kidz TherapEZE ballet through their PRO (People Realizing Opportunity) program.  I missed her.

This is the church where the wedding took place last week.  I love this statue of St. Michael the Archangel.  St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us.

Reflections

Today is Halloween but it's also the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  There's not a lot I can say except I wanted to reflect on my journey.  I'm doing as well as can be physically.  I've always had a very strong immune system and it's really helped keep me healthy except for what's going on inside.  There's an insane battle going on inside.  

I don't look sick.  I actually still have a lot of energy and I can get a lot accomplished.  Except.  Yeah, except I tire more easily.  I am always tired to be honest.  Just completely tired from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.  The side effects from all the different medications can be pretty hard.  My brain fog is pretty frustrating and sometimes amusing.  I nap a lot or sometimes just lay in bed.  

Like I mentioned before, the prognosis is not very optimistic, but I have hope for many more years.  I pray for many more years.  I'm not afraid to die.  That's not it.  What I am afraid of is leaving my children.  I want to be around for them.  I want to be 80 years old and see my grandchildren grow up.  I want to see the kind of adults my children become.  I know they'll be such amazing people.  I wonder about the kind of people they marry and the relationships they have together as adults.  I have an amazing list of women to mentor my girls when I'm gone.  I'm so very blessed to have so many awesome and varied women to help them.  

I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.  I pray every day for many more years.  I actually beg for them.  These are my real raw thoughts on the grimness of my prognosis.  I don't very often dwell on them.  I can't.  Life is too precious to worry about it.  I choose to live fully and enjoy life fully.  

The Spanish Steps in Rome.  I miss Italy.

 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is breast cancer awareness month.  It used to be that you'd see pink everywhere.  Pink is good, I guess, but what it represented doesn't represent me.  It represents an organization that doesn't use very much of what is donated towards research.  I'll wear pink anyway since we all know what the pink does represent, breast cancer awareness.  First, let's get this out of the way, GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!!

According to the American Cancer Society, (2016 estimates), there were 246,660 new cases of breast cancer.  And amongst those, about 6% were diagnosed immediately with stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  Metastatic meaning the cancer cells had metastasized (spread) to other parts of the body.  I was among the 6%.  

I won't go into the prognosis.  As we all know, it's not great.  I won't put the statistics here because my children read my blog.  We don't discuss numbers.  We live with it.  

This is the face of someone living with metastatic breast cancer.  I don't look sick but the battle is going on hard inside.  

Cancer, Social Media, and Miscellaneous Thoughts

So we had a bit of a scare this Tuesday.  Remember when I said I wasn't feeling well?  Well, it all came to a head on Tuesday.  I was out grocery shopping when all of a sudden I started to feel really horrible.  My heart was racing (111 bpm) and I could feel something was not right.  I finished, went home and checked my blood pressure.  It was high.  So, I called the nurse and went off to the ER.  Ugh.  Can I tell you how awful the ER can be?  Especially the military one?  Apparently Tuesdays are busy days.  I waited for over 4 hours to get into a room.  I thought heart, the PA was more worried about my lungs.  Turns out the symptoms I have been having are indicative of blood clots in the lungs.  Who knew?  I didn't.  Anyway, I had to have a CT with contrast on my lungs (yuck).  Turned out my lungs are fine.  My heart is fine.  I have not idea why all of this happened.  

I have several takeaways from this.  One is that there has to be a better way for me to get care when I feel crappy like this than getting sent to the ER.  I don't know if that means I have to move my care off post (military post) to a civilian hospital or not.  Second one is that the PA needed to learn how to run things with a cancer patient.  He never asked my staging and didn't see it in my records.  He saw my lung CT results and thought he needed to break it to me that my cancer had spread.  My girls were with me.  He came in all glum and started to ask questions that made me think things were BAD.  He also needed to ask if my girls needed to leave the room.  I think he thought we were a little nuts when we were relieved that's all he wanted to say.  

Social media...I've been off for a bit and it's interesting.  I read more. My phone battery lasts all day.  LOL.  Anyway, here's my takeaway from my absence from social media.  I miss my friends.  I miss seeing what everyone's up to.  Homeschool mom life can be lonely.  And, without the constant ballet I don't see adult friends often.  BUT!  I've enjoyed being off social media and plan to come back soon.  When?  Probably in October.  I'll change my habits a bit.  I will try to not be on it so often.  And, I'm going to be very intentional about what I post.  I'm in the midst of a wonderful study through Take Up and Read.  It's made me examine the role of social media in my life and how I use it.  I don't always use it for the greater good which is to always glorify God.  I don't mean go out there and evangelize all the time but I do mean to act with kindness and charity.  To not be petty.  For instance, (I'm going to expose myself), I would post stories on my Instagram at various times of the day and check to see if certain people looked at it.  Then, I'd get all riled up that they did.  I was trying to catch them in the act of looking to see what I was doing.  Why?  I had removed them as followers because they were no longer friends either in real life or on other social media.  But once I noticed them checking my stories which required them to go straight to my profile, I kept working to "catch them in the act".  For what purpose?  So, I'm going to post for myself and only for myself.  I'm going to make sure my social media is a place of positivity my word for now and through 2020.  I am human, y'all.  There have been a lot of people in the past year who have hurt me and I have lashed out.  Forgive me.  

I'm a bit discombobulated today.  It's been a long week.  I was so out of it this morning that I walked out for spin class in my workout leggings but forgot to change out of my pajama top.  I didn't even notice until I got in the van.  Y'all, my younger two girls didn't even ask me why I still had my pajama top on.  I guess I'm just that out of it that they think it's normal.  I'm babysitting my younger nieces tomorrow into Saturday.  I'm looking forward to it.  They're super adorable.  I'm still working to expunge all the toxins from the CT and the PET scan.  I'm tired.  

It's time to start thinking about Christmas gifts and cards.  Sigh.  How did it get to be this late in the year?  

 

Saturday Summary II

Cancer Summary:

This Wednesday I have a PET scan.  I'm super tired and just not feeling well.  I haven't been in months but this past week has been particularly brutal.  Prayers would be appreciated.  

Travel Summary:

I LOVE to travel.  We still have one more road trip ahead of us as a family.  I'm headed to Port Aransas sometime in October with my online/IRL (in real life) homeschool friends.  Then 2020!  In March, Ben and I are headed to France.  He was supposed to go with his cousins John but then John's wife is going so I'm going.  We are turning this into our honeymoon/25th anniversary trip (we will celebrate 25 in October).  Four days in Normandy and 3.5 days in Paris.  

General Summary:

Not much else is going on here.  We are keeping busy with school, appointments and church.  I hope y'all are having a good week.  

Saturday Summary

School summary:

The girls are off and running with school. Michaela is in her freshman year of college at the local community college.  She will transfer (hopefully) to Texas A&M next year into the Dance Science program in the Kinesiology Department.  Her goal is to become a physical therapist specializing in dancers and athletes.  Emma is a junior in high school.  She is taking a dual credit math class and is doing well.  Jordan is a freshman in high school.  I don't know how this much time has passed and I only have 2 students left in our homeschool.  All told, this is my 16th year of homeschooling.

This was taken in Boston before we headed to the Museum of Fine Arts.

Ballet Summary:

Jordan continues to take classes.  The drive isn't too arduous even though I do get tired.  The three of them also take private lessons with a former Ballet Magnificat dancer.  She was Michaela's leader in her dance in the spring show when she was 4.  It's a nice close to the circle and I love it.  

Jordan at Boston Ballet Summer Intensive.

Cancer Summary:

I had a followup appointment this week.  I have periods where I see my oncologist every 3 weeks.  I won't see her again until after my next PET scan which will be sometime next month.  My treatment regimen stays the same with Lupron and Faslodex injections, Zometa infusion, and Kisqali orally.  For the past six months or so, I've had pain in my heel.  I hadn't wanted to deal with it, but I finally asked my oncologist about it and whether she thought it was medication related.  She didn't think so.  She suggested I get in with a podiatrist so I called and made an appointment with my primary care physician.  It turns out I have calcification of my Achilles tendon.  It hurts almost all the time when I first stand up and walk.  It doesn't always hurt a lot when I am walking but I also think I've compensated without knowing it.  I'm on some more meds (yay) to help with pain and discomfort and to decrease the inflammation.  I have an appointment with a podiatrist in a week and the doctor put in a referral for physical therapy.  

This is one of the best cakes I've ever tasted.  It's a gluten free one from a bakery called Flour Bakery in the Boston area.

Final Summary:

It's been an interesting week being off social media.  I feel disconnected from all my friends and it's a bit lonely but I've read a lot and am feeling peace.  I'm by no means completely at peace, but am getting there.  I needed to disconnect.  I've prayed quite a bit for y'all.  I miss hearing about what's going on in your lives.  Drop me a line via Facebook messenger or my email which is txballetmom@gmail.com.  My love to y'all.  Have a great rest of the weekend.

Life Story

I have several places online where my life story is told.  They're all in bits and pieces and for the most part not well written.  Writing is not my forte and never has been.  Give me a good old math problem to solve and I'm happiest.  

I am an open book.  On Facebook, I put out most of my business.  It's quick and easy.  And, (I'm about to get morbid and sad) I know I won't be around for a lot of time.  I'm hoping and praying for many, many years but you know, metastatic cancer.  Anyway, I have hopes that in the future when I am gone, my children will look at memories from Facebook and smile at them.  Even the bad ones.  I hope they see the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful that was our lives together.  I hope they remember them and know "wow, it sucked during that time, but man, we sure came out stronger".  Or, "wow, we had such a good time then".  I hate that my openness has allowed people to steal some of the peace I had been feeling.  I trusted that people who I thought were friends would be able to keep my stuff to themselves.  Turns out I was wrong.  I went and restricted any and everyone except for a couple of people who might know me in real life and know the people who have given me grief this past year.  

I don't write this to make anyone sad.  Don't be!  Life is good.  Not yet very peaceful but man, it's good.  

I'm going to take a break from social media.  For now.  I don't know how long.  I just know that I need to take a break.  It's hard because it's my go to whenever I'm waiting somewhere and I do a LOT of waiting.  Know that I'm praying for you and will probably update via this blog.  I hope.  

And, because I always like to add photos to my blog, here's one:

New Year, New Us

We have quite a few changes in our lives this academic year:

• Michaela starts college at the local community college and it's paid for.  Woohoo!
• Jordan starts somewhere new for ballet.  I'm keeping the details of this one close.
• Emma starts dual credit math classes.
• I have a freshman and junior in high school.  ONLY TWO homeschoolers!
• I'm helping out in a big capacity with our parish youth group.  I'm playing an even bigger role than in the past.  Mostly, it'll be admin stuff but I'm excited for what the year will bring.
• I'm shooting a wedding with Emma is my second shooter.  I'm nervous and excited.

We had to say goodbye to our beloved ballet instructor and friend as the Army sent them far away from us.  Luckily, they're still within road trip distance (although really no one is ever outside of road trip distance for us).

As school starts up again for y'all, I pray for a fruitful year, one of prayer and peace.

Update on Me, Cancer Won't Slow Me Down

I thought I would write down everything about what I go through.  Talk about my treatment plan as of right now.  Today.  

Every 28 days, I receive a Faslodex injection which entails 2 shots on each side of my big muscle, my glutes.  The needle is quite long and it takes an inordinate amount of time to push the medicine in.  The needle is a big-ish gauge.  Side effects?  I have nerve damage in both legs from the shot.  I am unsure if it's from the needle of the medication itself.  I take gabapentin to alleviate the nerve pain from it.  It hinders my short term memory quite a bit.  Sometimes I forget the questions that people ask me or what the topic of conversation is.  

Also every 28 days, I receive a Lupron injection which keeps me in menopause, and an infusion of Zometa to help strengthen my bones.  I don't have a lot of side effects except for maybe whatever being in menopause brings which is orneriness and difficulty sleeping.

I am also on a daily "chemo" pill.  I put that in quotes because it's not the chemical chemo that most people know.  I actually don't know.  I do know it's considered chemo.  It's a 3 weeks on, 1 week off cycle.  As I write this, I'm in the off week.  The off week is nice because I don't have the bone crushing fatigue I can have sometime in the 3rd week.  Last week we were off doing touristy things with Ben's cousin and it was my 3rd week.  I'm paying for it a bit with sores in my mouth due to my body being so tired.  Besides fatigue, I get nauseous sometimes and often my neutrophil count drops below 1000.  My hair has fallen out a bit but when you have hair for 3 people, it's not a big deal.  My platelets have been low at times too and I'm a bit anemic.  

I had a PET scan before I left on our road trip.  I haven't heard the results yet.  I don't think I need to know right now.  It is what it is.  I won't be changing my treatment anyway while I'm here so I'm not anxious to find out.  Speaking of the road trip, I was concerned about getting my Faslodex injection while in Boston.  I've got things in motion and my angel at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute got things rolling and I have an appointment on Monday.  I am well on my way to getting my injection if a few days late.

Now, to chronicle my physical ailments.  I have bone pain where the cancer has metastasized.  It doesn't mean the cancer is active but I do have pain in spots on my ribs.  I'm lucky that my spine doesn't hurt much.  There are times it does but it's not often.  Mostly I hurt from the side effects from the medications I'm on.  My hands and feet hurt on a daily basis, almost like arthritis.  My feet are the worst though because if I've been sitting (like driving a long time), and get up, my right foot hurts a lot. It's a sharp pain in my achilles area.  I know when I get back I'll have to get it checked out.  It's almost debilitating.  Almost.

I'm writing this all here not to have y'all feel sorry for me.  Please don't (I'll take your prayers though). I'm living my best life, y'all.  I'm super active and haven't really slowed down.  We're on vacation (Ben and Arthur just left after a 10 day visit) and living as much as we can at the beach.  I'm at peace with everything and am making some wonderful memories.  I got to hug and see Ben's great aunts who are in their 90s.  They are so full of life.  We've spent so much time with family and it's all been wonderful.

 

 

My Story

Everyone has a story.  This blog is MY story.  Not anyone else's.  It's my space where I put down the happenings in my life, good or bad.  My story doesn't mean someone else's story is not true.  Just because I had a bad experience doesn't mean you did.  It means we had a bad experience.  You and I could go to the same restaurant and order the same food, and we could end up with different opinions on what we experienced.  Why?  There are myriad reasons.  My bad restaurant experience doesn't invalidate your good restaurant experience.  Yes, we had a very bad experience the fall semester at TMB.  No, you didn't.  That's okay.  It doesn't make mine or my children's any less bad.  It was hell.  But, this is the last I'll speak of it and TMB.  

Now, I've restricted several people on Facebook.  I don't want them taking my things and giving screen shots to people.  If you are reading this, are my Facebook friend, are not restricted, and are sending this link to people to stir things up, please go unfriend yourself.  You're not being a friend.  

The rest of the story...we are on a road trip and are having a blast.  We're on day 3.  I'll try to blog more about our trip in the next couple of days.  In the meantime, here's a photo of my girls and some of the friends they were reunited with.

An Open Letter

Dear R****** and J***** M**** M**** (and all ballet teachers and directors plus anyone who works with teens),

There are so many directions this letter can take, but I'm going to address the biggest issue.  The issue is your treatment of my girls.  You can treat me terribly all you want even if it's wrong.  You can do that even though I gave you more of my time and money than any other ballet mom at your studio, T**** M*********** B*****.  You can do that because at my age, I don't really care and God knows my heart and the truth.  

Teenagers might look like adults but they are not.  They're still developing and maturing so they're super fragile.  Physically?  My girls are super tough.  I mean they dance in pointe shoes.  They were taking over 10 hours of dance a week with classes and rehearsals combined.  Mentally, they can be tough.  They've had to be since February 2017 when I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.  However, you were pretty great at breaking them down.  You broke my oldest so many times in the fall of 2018, I worked double time taping the pieces back together and forcing her back to class and rehearsal.  After her last Nutcracker, you couldn't even bring yourselves to say one word to her.  Not one.  Then you casually dismissed her from her job teaching the little ones based on a rumor that we were not returning for spring semester.  Not once did you ask us if that was true.  You treated my middle one verbally roughly that after one correction (that is if you even bothered to acknowledge them), she almost cried.  I'm sure it was sheer force of will and pride that she didn't.  It wasn't my girls who told me these things, other dancers did.  My youngest you didn't do much to directly, but your actions meant we had to leave the studio so now we're wondering where to go.  So, yes, even her you hurt.  You ignored my girls who are paying customers so much that when you did say something to them or say their names, they were surprised and mentioned it.  

I ignored the red flags.  The teen dancer you dismissed the first year TMB existed.  I ignored the rude names you called her and I shouldn't have.  I ignored the way you wanted every "trouble" dancer or dancer with a "trouble" parent gone.  I ignored your words "We don't have to be here, you know." when you were ranting about a parent who had emailed you about their concerns.  I was wrong in ignoring all of the red flags because I was happy that a quality classical ballet studio was still in Killeen, TX.  I don't think it's worth it anymore though.  I'd rather see there be no ballet at all here if it means that not one more teen is hurt by you and your actions (this is not a threat, just my feelings).

These girls are not professionals.  They're people.  My girls are arguably some of the best dancers you have at the studio.  They are not bullies like you claim them to be.  Just because they're not friends with your favored dancer does not mean they're bullies.  They have always been civil and even once were friends with her.  She is as toxic as you all.  And, she is the bully with your blessing.  Did you know that every single dancer is afraid of accidentally brushing up against her?  They know that she would run to you with tales of it being done on purpose and you would believe her.  She has all the power, knows it and uses it.  You once told me the girls (all the dancers) were not friends with her because of the roles she was getting.  Well, my oldest was Sugar Plum Fairy.  

This is an open letter to all directors and teachers to remember that these are teenagers still developing and everything you do can damage their psyches.  Check your meanness at the door and just teach.  Every child deserves to learn the art of ballet not just your favored ones.

Sincerely,

A very sad, heartbroken ballet mom

Musings on Friendship

Look at this, two blog posts in a week.  

I've been pondering friendship lately.  I often do as my friend circle evolves and changes all the time.  I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends.  It's changed because I used to have a lot more friends.  I don't want pity I'm just talking.  I made a decision a few years ago to circle my wagons and make that circle super small.  I'd been hurt by people who I thought were my friends.  They assumed things about me and did not come to ask me.  It was hard.

My children also have had these things happen and I wonder about friendship a lot.  What makes a good friend?  A friend is one who asks how you're doing.  A friend is happy for you in the good times and supports you in the bad.  It can even only be a text.  Of course, there are different levels of friendship, but this is basically it.

We've lost a lot of friends over the years and some because we knew why and some we had no idea about.  The only thing I hope for is that the friends who are no longer friends don't pervert the memories of our friendships.  What do I mean?  That they don't talk with their friends about us.  That we, either me, or any of my girls, don't become the subject of their gossip.  I hope they say, yeah, we were friends, but we aren't any longer.  It was good while it lasted but we drifted apart.  Or if there was a major event to cause the rift that they say, yes, we're no longer friends and leave it at that.  

I do grieve the loss of each and every friendship.  Except for one person (I'm working super hard on this and pray about it all the time), I try to look at the good side of things, the happy memories.  

I leave you with a picture because I like pictures in my blog post.  Michaela has been friends with Nathaniel (kid on the right) since 2005.  

 

The End of an Era

Ballet has been an intricate part of our lives since 2005.  

So, it is with sadness that we will leave our current studio.  The fall will bring many changes.  I will miss everything.  The frenzy of getting ready for shows.  The great joy I feel watching all three dance.  

Creating costumes for whatever production is being put on.  Man, I had plans for this past Nutcracker.  

The joy has been sucked out of it for my girls and I'm hoping they get it back.  Our saving grace this semester was our great instructor and coach who opened up so many opportunities to perform.  We are so thankful.

It is my hope that slowly the good memories will overtake the hard ones of last semester. 

They miss their friends and the camaraderie that comes with working months to prepare for a show.  It's hard to create opportunities as homeschoolers to meet friends so these precious people were important to my girls.  They call themselves Galvin's Gang and mine miss it all.

My girls are beautiful dancers even if they don't think they are.  I know that like most dancers all they can see if what they aren't doing right.  What the audience sees are three talented beautiful girls.  
 

Stepping Out

Last week, I was sitting in a prep meeting for the Confirmation retreat when my arm went up.  I volunteered to do a talk, y'all.  A personal testimony!  In front of a bunch of teenagers.  I can only think it was the Holy Spirit nudging me on.  I don't do these things.  I don't talk about my personal faith journey.  Ever.  

The topic was God's love.  It was Emma's Confirmation retreat and Michaela and I were helping.  I didn't make it through without crying and I made Michaela and Emma cry plus most of the adults.  I hope I touched the hearts of some of these teens.  

I stepped out of my comfort zone.  Here's my talk in its entirety:

What is the definition of love?  Merriam-Webster has “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another such as the fatherly concern of God for humankind or a brotherly concern for others.” as one of its definitions for love.  God created us and even after the fall of man through Adam and Eve, his love for us never wavered.  He became man and faced death to help redeem us.  He sacrificed Himself and endured sufferings for us.  His death bridged the separation between humanity and God that resulted from the fall of man.  We returned back to God’s love, the love for which we were created.

“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only begotten Son from the Father.” John 1:14-15

In my earliest memories as a cradle Catholic, I remember the rules.  The rules of behavior and what can happen when we sin.  I was not taught about the benevolence of God.  I learned of the love of God as I taught my children about the beauty of our faith.  

How could that be?  Sometimes you get into a rut of living just day to day.  Routine makes it easy to not be conscious of all of God does for us. After all, it’s routine. It becomes very simple to take things for granted, such as your health.

Sometimes the rut of day to day living makes us forget to focus our lives on God.  It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that we were created to know and love God.  We get wrapped up in the little details and decisions needed to move through the day.  Our daily lives sometimes can lead us to think we have the illusion that these things are within our control.  Well, we all know that the best laid plans can go awry.  I may have attended mass on a weekly basis and even attended daily mass once a week, but my faith life?  It was not focused on God.  It was focused on the next task.  Trust?  I thought I had it spades, but it turns out I trusted my ability to run the household and daily life.

So I was learning about God’s love, yet, I still didn’t really understand the divine love of God.  What does it even mean?  It’s the idea that he was willing to sacrifice His life to redeem us.  The words redemptive suffering came to mind as I was pondering this talk.  

Jeremiah 29:11-14 says “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” 

The past two years have been hard.  I lost a dear friend who was a mentor and teacher for my girls.  The ripple effects from her death continue to this day. I would pick myself up expecting the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year would be better.  It has to be.  How could it get worse?  I should’ve known never to even ask that question.  During all of this, I didn’t question God’s love, but I also never even thought about it.  I just lived my life.  

Think about that. I just lived my life. God wants more from us than for us to just live our lives. After the Fall of Adam and Eve, He did not just abandon humanity to merely live their lives. God wanted humanity to turn to Him, and in order to bring them closer to Him, he joined humanity in the person of Jesus Christ.  Christ, who took up the Cross and suffered and died in order to bridge the gulf of sin between God and man in order to bring humanity back to God’s love. The love for which God created man in the first place.  

In February, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was quite a shock and I was worried but the prognosis was optimistic.  Then, just as I was preparing to start chemotherapy, I received the news that the cancer had already spread and I had Stage IV metastatic breast cancer.  The cancer had spread to my bones, but not to any of my organs.  There is no cure, there is only hope for containment.  The prognosis is shockingly grim. 

Surprisingly, I very rarely ask why.  Instead of asking why, I take solace in what God has given me.  This cross is quite the cross to bear.  This comes under the heading of redemptive suffering.  

The cross of my diagnosis and prognosis, while heavy, provides me with a way to connect with God’s great love for me. It shifts my focus from the day to day concerns of this world, in which I have the illusion of control and allows me to focus on God’s love, God’s will in my life and for my life and helps me realize that I was made to love Him. Through my suffering I am redeemed because the suffering is the means by which I can focus on God and his infinite love.

“Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in our hope of hearing the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”  Romans 5:1-5

I believe so much more in God’s love for me.  Do I have a terminal illness?  Yes.  However, I know that God is with me every step of the way.  He carries me through my days.  He gives me the words or the acts of love I need to help my children through those tough days of uncertainty and bad news.  

So, I choose on a daily basis, joy.  Joy from the love I know God has for me.  I choose joy because I’ve been given that day.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed, therefore each day I choose to love as God loves me.

I challenge you from this day forward to choose the love that God gives to you freely.  It is your choice as God gave you free will.  You do not have to experience suffering such as my cross.  Christ suffered for us and redeemed you; each and every one of you.  By following Christ, and letting him work in your lives as your God, who created the universe, you can experience the depth of God’s love in your lives.   

I leave you with this from Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Summer Fun

First the not so great stuff...cancer.

After all was said and done, I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer.  The treatment is not as harsh as chemotherapy but man, I wish I were going through that instead.  It would mean a better prognosis and a chance for a cure.  Now?  It's hope for containment and remission.  I'm on endocrine therapy which means I've been put into forced menopause.  A doctor friend likened it to menopause on steroids.  Emma has remarked several times that I need to get my filter back.  Apparently, this treatment has removed it from me.  I've decided to live life as fully as I can.  I want my children to have memories of me doing things with them and not this stupid illness that I have.  I've also resolved to take photos so they'll have them to look back on as well.

Next, ballet.

The spring ballet was beautiful.  They danced a revised Coppelia in the first act then Chopiniana and a more contemporary ballet piece, Suite Rest, in the second act.

 

 

 

This summer, we were headed to New York for Michaela to attend ABT New York and Emma to attend Gelsey Kirkland Academy for their summer intensives.  I had to cancel those plans and was able to transfer them to ABT Austin.  It's not what we wanted and I still feel horrible for Michaela missing out on her opportunity at the more prestigious location.  At the time we were facing months of chemo and a mastectomy.  However, things have worked out.  The girls thoroughly enjoyed their summer intensive in Austin and we were home.  I'm still itching to travel as I'm not used to staying home for the summer.

School starts up again soon and our ballet year will as well.  I hope to be more diligent about posting here.  I want there to be more of a record of our lives.  It's become even more important.  

April is Autism Awareness Month

He is 18.

He is obsessed with football and can remember games and plays to the minute details.

He obsesses over each game that is televised.  

He is not necessarily a critical thinker, but that's okay.

He is training to be a luthier.

He loves his mother.

He hates cancer and is worried terribly for his mother.

He loves order but only his order.

He wants to be a country music star.  

He is still searching for that best friend.

He is socially awkward and struggles still with new social settings.

He loves his halmoni and grabs onto her hand several times during mass.

He taught his mother that outside of the box parenting is perfectly fine.

He taught his mother that not everyone has to follow the college path thus paving the way for his dancing sister.

He is my son.

He has autism.

This is the face of autism.  Every day in my house is Autism Awareness Day.

Treatments Start Soon

Today I have my oncology appointment where I will finally find out my chemo schedule.  I still have a heart stress test so I'm hoping I won't start until next week.  I really could use one more week of nothing.

Yesterday, I took my girls and their best friends to Austin for a tour of some of the iconic graffiti spots.  Originally, I had planned to take more than the six pictured here but the cancer diagnosis sped up the timeline.  I wanted to do the trip more than anything so I decided to just take six.

I hope that when I'm healthier I can take more of their friends like I had originally planned.  I would even have rented a 12 passenger van so we could all go.

We had a fun time and as always I was able to push aside the cancer from my brain for about 8 hours.  These children give me such joy.  

I know the road ahead will not be easy.  It will actually be very difficult, but with the love of my friends and family and most especially these teens, I know I will kick cancer's ass.

I love them.

Friendship

The year started out very promising.  My girls and I spent New Year's Eve with friends and savored the moments as the clock turned to midnight.  I started a photography project which brought me out of the doldrums.  

We met new people and have fallen completely in love with them.  I'm sure my girls are reading this and losing their minds.  I mean in love with them as people.  These three have brought an abundance of joy to our lives since the end of December.  We've spent as much time with them as we are able.  They have become family.  

My girls will need them more than ever now.  Last Friday, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.  It is not in my lymph nodes as far as they can see, but it can be there microscopically.  I go in today to speak with the oncologist and next week to schedule a bilateral mastectomy with the surgeon.  

I don't think it's a coincidence that these wonderful teens and tweens have entered our lives.  God has placed them there at this particular moment.  

I love these kids.  They make me laugh and they bring me joy.  I'm thankful they've entered our lives and most especially now when my girls need them.