It rained almost all day today. We had our house inspection before closing (supposedly this Friday, but most likely on Monday) today on top of therapy. I have a one hour drive each way. So, in the rain, I had a lot of time to think. It's been a bit of a melancholy day. Here are some of my random thoughts:
- I think at times I felt such disbelief at my friend's death. Even after speaking with his widow. Even after hearing the grief in my husband's voice. I don't know why, but this makes me realize--It's true. I won't ever get to talk to him again. All my teen and adult life I've always been the one to take care of things--my brothers, my husband, my children. I don't resent it at all. Dave was one of the few people who took care of me. He really was like an older brother (I always wanted one). Oh, I miss him so much.
- Why is it that when people ask me how I'm doing with all this, I tell them, I'm doing okay? I'm not. I want to scream and cry at the sadness of it all. This has always been a big thing with me. I never will say if I'm down or sad or mad or anything. Is it cultural? In Korea, a sick person won't tell his family about his illness. He doesn't want to burden his family with it. That's also why during their economic crisis, the men who didn't have jobs left the house acting as if they were still working. Not to worry the family. Now, mind you, this is not healthy, but it seems I've picked it up.
- I should be happy about the house, but frankly, I'm so tired that I don't want to move in. Ugh. The thought of moving everything and then unpacking all those boxes. Ugh. Yuck. All I can say is it will take a big crane to pry me out of that house. I'm staying.
- There's too much information out there. Just too much. My little brain can't get wrapped around it. What am I talking about? Treatments for autism. Brother has auditory processing difficulties. This makes read alouds difficult because he can't attend or hear what's going on. I've tried so many different ways of doing it. Maybe the newest thing (The Listening Program) we're going to try will work.
- Papa was slated to escort Dave home. That means he would have left early for home. Some higher ranking officer pulled, well, rank. It stinks. We'll have to wait two more weeks.
So, as you can see I'm pretty melancholy. On the flip side although I didn't get any pictures, the house is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.