I had heard this song by Tim McGraw (I think the official title is Already Home) a couple of weeks ago and bawled like a baby on the way home from the grocery store. The line that really got me was about the baby he would never know.
I had heard that after Tim McGraw had performed this at the ACM Awards that the back of the stage lit up on families of the fallen. I wanted to see it and so I finally googled it today. As expected, I cried. It felt like a piercing in my heart--the same way I've been feeling when I think of Dave.
After watching the video I went downstairs (Ben had left the room--he can't listen to this song at all for it hurts his heart). Ben asked if I cried. Then he said I like to cry. I couldn't quite deny it, but then his next statement made me pause. He said it was cathartic for me.
Yes, it is. I then said, "I didn't get to cry enough when he died so once in a while I need to." And it's true. I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to so desperately. And, I did sometimes, in the night, but I had to go on and be strong for my little ones. That night I found out about Dave, my children were stunned into silence. My nephews as well. It's indeliby imprinted into their minds as it is in mine. It scared them to see me so vulnerable. It was the first time they'd seen me cry and with such grief. I feel that grief almost as strongly today, but I know it will eventually get better.
I can't get that image of him sitting in the mangled humvee as the medic worked on him. I just can't. I can only pray he didn't suffer. And, I will only say that sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I miss you, Dave.