The Cabbage Patch

Restless

For days now, I've been restless.  Feeling unsettled.  Worried almost.  I have barely been able to sit down and sew or knit.  My studio is once again a mess as I've flitted from one project to the next and not finishing hardly any of them.  

For weeks and months now, I've been reading about all the wonderful babies.  Babies who have come and babies who are coming.  Babies to moms who have struggled with wanting more but not yet having more.  

Please all my wonderful friends who are pregnant or have just had babies:  I am VERY HAPPY for you.  This is all about my feelings about myself.  I have loved seeing the new little ones popping up here and there in photos on the blogosphere.  I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of some more babies.  

However, I'm feeling somewhat lost.  Feeling a physical longing for another little one.  My heart just aches for another one.  I thought I had passed this stage.  

But, just now, I've had an epiphany.  It'll be three years tomorrow.  Three years since I lost my last baby.  It still hurts.  

Today

Today was just a day.  Right?  At least it was unless I was still.  Then I'd think.  I'd think of two years ago.  I'd think of the sorrow I felt two years ago.  I'd think of waiting in the examining room two years ago.  I'd think of the nurses and doctors who were so cold and unfeeling.  I'd think of my child who would've been one.  I'd think of the hope and joy we all felt with this little one.  

I miss him.  

Terribly.  

St. Mark Edward, pray for us.

The Bushes and Miscarriage

I first saw an article referring to Barbara Bush's miscarriage this morning.  The headline made it seem so macabre, "Fetus in Bottle".  That part is so minor in the story.  Here's one quote:

The attachment to the fetus lasts long after the pregnancy is over, for months and sometimes years

Throughout this entire article the author and those he quotes use the term fetus.  Well, I can tell you why the attachment lasts so long.  That fetus?  It's a baby.  From day one.  If it was not alive, would we be so devastated at its loss?  No!  From the minute I find out I'm pregnant I have loved each and every one of my children.  I lost two to miscarriage.  The pain and sorrow still lingers to this day. 

Today

A dear friend brought chocolate:

 

Retail therapy:

 

 
 
 

St. Mark Edward

One year ago today, I found out my baby had died in utero.  My heart was broken (and it still is).  I passed the baby in the next couple of days and had him buried in the rosary garden at church.  

I'm still working through it.  I'm working through the overwhelming emotions that have followed.  And, it's all over the place.  

Emily had a great idea that I celebrate Mark's feast day, but I think for this year, I'll just let it pass as quietly as possible.  My children talk about both Mark and Rose so easily.  I can't.  Yet.

I think I will go employ some retail therapy.

MY MOM

My Mom is a survivor, or so I’ve heard it said.

But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others…a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven’s door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom…through Heaven’s open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn’t help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says…no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won’t ever heal.

~~Author Unknown~~

Feeling Blue

I can go along daily without feeling too sad about losing Mark but then, BAM!  I get reminded.  I just noticed a pregnancy ticker in someone's signature on my favorite forum.  It brought home that this week I would've been 36 weeks along. 

I'm feeling blue and weepy.

Sigh.

I finally dismantled the crib.

I need chocolate.

And a tissue.

Blogging and Other Miscellaneous Stuff

I was looking through my email inbox for an email from about 2 years ago.  I'm awful about cleaning it out.  I couldn't find it, but found a whole bunch of the notifications I receive whenever someone comments on my blog.  That led to me think about the evolution of my blog.  The commenters were people I admire greatly for a variety of reasons.  I realized they don't comment on my blog as much.  I wonder about that.  But, my blog hasn't been interesting.  I am just rambling here.  Please forgive me.

I've dropped off in many things but not in any of the unproductive things I do around here.  It's almost a kind of lethargy.  I was able to trace it back to a certain point:  my first miscarriage last March.  I've already passed the first anniversary which was really quite hard.  A friend has been helping me as much as she can by making me think.  Losing Mark devastated me even more and I'm still working through it.

I don't know where I''m going with this.  I do know I want to blog more.  I do know I need to develop more discipline.  I do know that I've been terribly obssessed with having a baby.  I do know I need to be more present for my children especially as a hard 12 months will be upon us.  Do I have a plan?  No.  The first is to get my exterior (house, rooms, etc) organized.  Then, I can work on the interior.

I'd appreciate prayers.

The Good

One of the good things that has come out of my miscarriage has to do with Brother.  I can't explain it so I'll just give a couple of examples.

A few days after we buried Mark, Brother expressed concern when the weather turned cold.  He worried that Mark would be cold out there in the rosary garden (sob!).  I explained that the box was lined and would keep him warm.  Then I explained that Mark's body was there but that he (his soul) was really in heaven with God.  This satisfied him.

Tonight, as I was looking through Brother's baptism photos (torturing myself along the way), Brother asked me, "Who feels sad about the baby?"  His eyes filled with tears and he cried. 

He feels and he can express it.  He loved Mark Edward and misses him.  We cried together.