The Cabbage Patch

Cancer, Social Media, and Miscellaneous Thoughts

So we had a bit of a scare this Tuesday.  Remember when I said I wasn't feeling well?  Well, it all came to a head on Tuesday.  I was out grocery shopping when all of a sudden I started to feel really horrible.  My heart was racing (111 bpm) and I could feel something was not right.  I finished, went home and checked my blood pressure.  It was high.  So, I called the nurse and went off to the ER.  Ugh.  Can I tell you how awful the ER can be?  Especially the military one?  Apparently Tuesdays are busy days.  I waited for over 4 hours to get into a room.  I thought heart, the PA was more worried about my lungs.  Turns out the symptoms I have been having are indicative of blood clots in the lungs.  Who knew?  I didn't.  Anyway, I had to have a CT with contrast on my lungs (yuck).  Turned out my lungs are fine.  My heart is fine.  I have not idea why all of this happened.  

I have several takeaways from this.  One is that there has to be a better way for me to get care when I feel crappy like this than getting sent to the ER.  I don't know if that means I have to move my care off post (military post) to a civilian hospital or not.  Second one is that the PA needed to learn how to run things with a cancer patient.  He never asked my staging and didn't see it in my records.  He saw my lung CT results and thought he needed to break it to me that my cancer had spread.  My girls were with me.  He came in all glum and started to ask questions that made me think things were BAD.  He also needed to ask if my girls needed to leave the room.  I think he thought we were a little nuts when we were relieved that's all he wanted to say.  

Social media...I've been off for a bit and it's interesting.  I read more. My phone battery lasts all day.  LOL.  Anyway, here's my takeaway from my absence from social media.  I miss my friends.  I miss seeing what everyone's up to.  Homeschool mom life can be lonely.  And, without the constant ballet I don't see adult friends often.  BUT!  I've enjoyed being off social media and plan to come back soon.  When?  Probably in October.  I'll change my habits a bit.  I will try to not be on it so often.  And, I'm going to be very intentional about what I post.  I'm in the midst of a wonderful study through Take Up and Read.  It's made me examine the role of social media in my life and how I use it.  I don't always use it for the greater good which is to always glorify God.  I don't mean go out there and evangelize all the time but I do mean to act with kindness and charity.  To not be petty.  For instance, (I'm going to expose myself), I would post stories on my Instagram at various times of the day and check to see if certain people looked at it.  Then, I'd get all riled up that they did.  I was trying to catch them in the act of looking to see what I was doing.  Why?  I had removed them as followers because they were no longer friends either in real life or on other social media.  But once I noticed them checking my stories which required them to go straight to my profile, I kept working to "catch them in the act".  For what purpose?  So, I'm going to post for myself and only for myself.  I'm going to make sure my social media is a place of positivity my word for now and through 2020.  I am human, y'all.  There have been a lot of people in the past year who have hurt me and I have lashed out.  Forgive me.  

I'm a bit discombobulated today.  It's been a long week.  I was so out of it this morning that I walked out for spin class in my workout leggings but forgot to change out of my pajama top.  I didn't even notice until I got in the van.  Y'all, my younger two girls didn't even ask me why I still had my pajama top on.  I guess I'm just that out of it that they think it's normal.  I'm babysitting my younger nieces tomorrow into Saturday.  I'm looking forward to it.  They're super adorable.  I'm still working to expunge all the toxins from the CT and the PET scan.  I'm tired.  

It's time to start thinking about Christmas gifts and cards.  Sigh.  How did it get to be this late in the year?  

 

Restless

For days now, I've been restless.  Feeling unsettled.  Worried almost.  I have barely been able to sit down and sew or knit.  My studio is once again a mess as I've flitted from one project to the next and not finishing hardly any of them.  

For weeks and months now, I've been reading about all the wonderful babies.  Babies who have come and babies who are coming.  Babies to moms who have struggled with wanting more but not yet having more.  

Please all my wonderful friends who are pregnant or have just had babies:  I am VERY HAPPY for you.  This is all about my feelings about myself.  I have loved seeing the new little ones popping up here and there in photos on the blogosphere.  I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of some more babies.  

However, I'm feeling somewhat lost.  Feeling a physical longing for another little one.  My heart just aches for another one.  I thought I had passed this stage.  

But, just now, I've had an epiphany.  It'll be three years tomorrow.  Three years since I lost my last baby.  It still hurts.  

No Autism Post Today

Or tomorrow.  I've been working all day putting together bookcases and helping my brother with the entertainment center.  I finished the 5th of 6 bookcases at 8:45 this evening.  Then, I had to fold laundry, clean kitchen and do dishes including sweep the floors.  The DVDs needed to be put away.  Now, I'm going to check on the children to see if they are asleep so the Easter baskets can be filled.  No one here to pick up my slack.  My whole body is aching and my shoulders are screaming.  Sigh.  

But, tomorrow is Easter.  Christ is risen!  

Happy Easter!

Not a Good Day

Part of it is my fault.  I lingered too long in the warm comfy bed.  Then we had rush out of the house.  My children don't do rushed very well.

Well, actually, I think it's all my fault.  My children are acting like children.  Bickering.  Over every little thing.  It's been this way since Ben left.  I've let it bother me quite a bit today.  

Ballet was a chore for me.  The children were not in the best of moods.  But, I'm sitting here wondering if it isn't because of me.  Maybe I need to set the tone so they'd feel better.  Maybe I need to let the littlest one sit in my lap no matter how uncomfortable she makes it.  Maybe then she'd feel better.  You know, fill her love tank.  

One of the biggest things I ever learned from Father Corapi is that love is sacrifice.  It sure is hard, this constant dying to self...

2010

2010 is here already.  Where did 2009 go?  Not that I'm not glad to see it go, but still didn't we just celebrate the beginning of 2009?  It did start so hopefully.

I've been really soul searching and trying to come up with things to help me fix the things I'm not happy with.  Father Richard on Friday said, "If you don't have any resolutions, you are spiritually dead.  You should always WANT to improve as a person."  I agree.  So, here's what I'm working on.

Each year I pick a word to help me focus on improving one thing in my life.  This year, after a long time spent contemplating, I came up with order or rather, I snitched it.  I need order my life, my schedule, my daily tasks, my prayer life, my spiritual life, my children's homeschool.  I could go on and on.  You get the picture.

One thing I'm working on besides order is tone of voice.  My children have been sniping at each other quite a bit.  I snapped scolded them and then realized that I'm modeling the exact behavior that I abhor in them.  So, I'm working on not using such an ugly tone of voice.  I'm going to work on not yelling.  This is going to be a tall order since I'm essentially a single parent for the next year.  Please pray for me on this one.  It's something I know I've been needing to work on.

I need to work out some more details but I'll try to post some ideas and plans that I have.

How You Know...

...it has not been one of your better mothering days:

In quick succession, your children say after you've herded them into the car (finally!) "Are you tired?" and "I bet your throat is dry after all that yelling."

Thermostat

I need to have that word tattooed to inside of my eyelids.

Sigh.

I finally dismantled the crib.

I need chocolate.

And a tissue.

A Journey

A wise friend told me I should savor the journey whether it lasts eight minutes or 80 years.  So, I'm savoring this journey I'm embarking on with my family.  I don't know how long it will last.  I'm praying for a good long time.  No matter how long it is, I want to rejoice in the feelings I had seeing those two pink lines.  And, what better way than to share with you the good news. 

Thermometer

Today, I was a thermometer instead of a thermostat.  I need to apologize to my kiddoes tomorrow.  Sigh.